Lucy Rosa Updates

September 2, 2007

This was posted on my brothers myspace and I wanted to share with all.

On Friday August 31,2007 I was with my mother who was under the care of Hospice at JFK Hospital in Lake Worth. I had gotten there early that day and had dinner in the room with my brother and sister. Throughout the day and evening I would hold and talk to my mother as she layed in bed helplessly unable to say a word or make any voluntary movement.

All that could be seen is teardrops continuously running down the side of her face. Her eyes wide open unable to focus at will and an expression of pain and sorrow on her face. At times i felt she was trying to communicate through her tears.

Throughout the night her facial expressions would change displaying various emotions. At 2:00am I leaned over one last time before retiring to my bed and started to tell her that I loved her and that everything will be allright and that she should let go and go with God. Then her eyes would look at me and start to tear profusely. While wiping her tears at one point my emotions took over and started to cry uncontrollably.

Then I looked at her and saw her face change. She no longer looked like the mom  I knew. I started to see her as an an angel. I kept looking at her and then I knew that she would be leaving us soon. The angel had come to prepare her for the journey. I believe she managed to convince the angel to wait till morning so she can spend one lastnight with all her kids in the room.

The doctor came into the room at 8:30am to look her over and started to tell my sister that she has one to two days left at best. At 9:am I didn't hear the loud breathing that she was making throughout the night and got up to check up on her. I found her alive, breathing quietly along with a teardrop on the corner of her right eye. I looked at her and wiped the tear drop but then went back into  bed. My sister got up approximate 2 minutes after and went to brush her teeth. Before brushing her teeth my sister told my brother who was sleeping on the recliner to go to bed since she was getting up. After a minute of thinking about it he decided to get up and laid down in bed next to me. As he started to lay down he looked over at mom and noticed that she had stopped breathing. She had fullfilled her last wish of spending one last night with all her children and took flight with her new wings.

September 1, 2007

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 9 AM mom took her final breath and quietly went on her journey to her place of rest.  It was a strange feeling, it was a feeling that for over a year I practiced and at this moment I did not know how to react.

 

 

I was a feeling that during this whole week we waited, my brother came from Ft Lauderdale the night before.  My mothers two brothers came and one sister along with a friend of hers of many years.

 

 

My daughter was there, so was my two cousins and a cousin of my mother.  We all were there keeping her company.  Finally they all started to go home, first 12:20AM, then 1AM finally at 2AM.

 

 

When she went on her journey we all confessed that we were very happy that it was just us.  The three of us, it was as she waited for our peace.

 

 

It was always all four of us, calling each other during the week or weekend for a family get together; somehow it was never complete when one of us did not show up.  It was always great to have all four of us eating at the same table, like when we were growing up.  I will always miss that.

 

 

I am grateful for the years that I did have, I am happy of the memories and the experiences shared.

 

I miss my mother, I cry when I remember little things just her calling me Ori now to me is a big event and hope to hear her say.  Even the nicknames of my brother and sister, Noi and Eli rings loudly in my head.

 

 

I am tired…

August 29, 2007

Versión en español esta mas abajo

 

How can you compare a death by accident or sitting in a room waiting for it to come.  How do you wait something you do not know when it is going to come.

 

I sit here in the hospital with my brothers and watch for death to come, I see the physical changes in my mothers body.  I hear her gasping for air at some points and view the color of her beautiful face change, first from pink to white then to red.  Her eyes, which are brown, have turned to a lifeless gray.

 

Before she would sleep most of the day with an occasional wakeup for short periods, now she just stares at the ceiling.  It is in those eyes that I searched for her soul, recognition of life and a sign that tells me what we are doing is the right thing.

 

Surprisingly time goes by quickly, not sure, if it’s the time spent with visitors or the calls that comes in asking about her.  In my case, customers calling about issues, cost for their products, services and when will I be coming to visit.

 

Trying to keep a positive voice in midst of family members when calls come in from customers & Co-workers along with having to walk outside to fake an enthusiasm so as to not show that I have a life outside of work.  That in that life, I struggle with family an issue that is burring inside me and that at the moment of the call I was crying.

 

In all of this, I would not trade this moment for a quick death, as my mother waited her time to bear me while she nourished those life beginnings to make me strong .  Perhaps for this moment whereas now my family & I bear this sadness of her departure and celebrate her life as one full of love, understanding, teachings and caring.

 

We know she will be gone and we keep her alive in our actions in our closeness of family, brothers, children, grandchildren, aunts and uncles.  Mom is our greatest hero, for the struggles that she endured in her life and how she managed to find great strength and confidence in just getting up.

 

Did I ever mentioned that she has had to deal with chromes disease, beaten breast cancer with nine Chemo therapy session and about 20 other operations during her life.  In addition, she still managed to go to work, cook, entertain and care for the sick & elderly.  Giving them their time, providing dignity in their death.  Yes, I am proud a poem in

Puerto Rico

reads, “If I had not been born to the women that I was born too, I would have repented to have been born at all”

 

Tonight, I know that I will hug my daughter, my brothers and my family and I will let them know how much they mean to me and my life.  I could not have been who I am if they had not been in my life and I will love them for them, which is how she loved me.

 

Please do the same…

 

 

 

Cómo puede usted comparar una muerte por accidente o sentarse en un cuarto y que lo espera para venir. Cómo esperas algo que no sabes cuándo va a venir.

 

Me siento aquí en el hospital con mis hermanos y esperando para que la muerte venga, veo los cambios físicos en el cuerpo de mi mama. Escucho a ella al jadear para el aire en algunos momentos y veo el cambio de color de su hermosa cara, primero de rosado, blanco y entonces al rojo. Sus ojos que son marrones, ha dado vuelta a un gris sin vida.

 

Antes ella dormía la mayor parte del día con una despertada ocasional por períodos cortos, ahora ella apenas mira fijamente el techo. Son en esos ojos que busqué por su alma, algún reconocimiento de la vida y una muestra que me diga que lo que estamos haciendo es la cosa correcta.

 

El tiempo se va asombrosamente rápido, no estoy seguro si es el tiempo pasado con los visitantes o las llamadas que viene por preguntar por ella. En mi caso, clientes que llaman sobre ediciones, costos para sus productos, servicios y cuando yo vendré a visitar.

 

Intentando de mantener una voz positiva en medio de los miembros de la familia cuando las llamadas vienen de clientes y de compañeros de trabajo junto con tener que caminar afuera para falsificar un entusiasmo para no demostrar que tengo una vida fuera del trabajo. Que en esa vida, lucho con la familia que esta removiendo las llamas dentro de mí y que en el momento de la llamada yo lloraba.

 

En todo esto, no negociaría este momento para una muerte rápida, pues mi madre esperó su hora de llevarme en su vientre mientras que ella me alimentó con esos principios de la vida para hacerme fuerte. Quizás para este momento mientras que ahora mi familia y yo llevamos esta tristeza de su partida y celebramos su vida como una completo de amor, de comprensión, de enseñanzas y de cuidado.

 

Sabemos que se irá y la mantenemos viva en nuestras acciones, en nuestra proximidad de la familia, de hermanos, de niños, de nietos, de tías y de tíos.  Mami es nuestro héroe más grande, por las luchas que ella aguantó en su vida y cómo ella manejó de encontrar grandes fuerza y confianza en apenas levantarse.

 

Mencioné que ella ha tenido que tratar con la enfermedad de croma, el cáncer del seno batido con nueve sesiones de terapia de Chemo y cerca de 20 otras operaciones durante su vida. Aun así, ella manejó ir a trabajar, a cocinar, a entretener y el cuidado para los enfermos y los ancianos, dándoles su tiempo, proporcionando dignidad en su muerte. Sí, estoy muy orgulloso.  Un poema en Puerto Rico se lee, "si no hubiera nacido de la mujer de quien nací, yo me hubiera arrepentido de hacer nacido"

 

Esta noche, sé que abrazaré a mi hija, mis hermanos y a mi familia y yo los dejare saber cuánto significan a mí y a mi vida. No habría podido ser quién soy si ellos no habían estado en mi vida y los amo por ellos, que es cómo ella me amó.

 

Haga por favor igual...

August 27, 2007

 

Versión en español esta mas abajo 

 

 

August 23, Thursday.

This past week was one that my mother deserved better.  Earlier in the week my mother received a blood transfusion about three pints, the nurses could not control her loss of fluid or control the infection along with having difficulty breathing.  On top of this, her epileptic episodes were more frequent as she needed medication to control it.

 

After coming back from a trip and finding out about the blood transfusion, we knew that it was time to let her go.  My brothers and I talked it over and decided that we needed to inform the family of the latest development and our intentions agreed upon today.

 

We called the doctor to let him know that we have come to a decision and needed his medical ok.  After a few phone calls, the head nurse called us into the conference room and explains the hospice service so we would know what to expect.  Only one question was on my mind, how long would she suffer?

 

The nurse explained that she would not suffer and they would medically relieve any pain that she might have, but that in her condition she could last anywhere from five to eleven days.

 

That same day my sister and I went to the funeral home and made all of the arrangement, provided all of the information the director needed.  We looked at flowers, rental caskets (as she was going to be cremated) picked the amount of days for the viewing and was explained the details of her viewing.  It felt like a wedding plan, flowers, guest book, and pamphlets for guest information.

 

August 24, Friday.

The next day we had another meeting with the Hospice representative and again she assured as that she would receive the best of care.  She also stated what we would be able to stay in her room 24 hours if we wanted.

 

That same day the feeding tube was removed, my sister asked my niece Lumari to come and do her nails.  As we got back to the hospital, they had just finish washing her, prepared her room and provided her all of the necessary medication.

 

It was a strange feeling, before it was watching her for signs of recovery, now it is watching her for signs of death.

 

August 25, Saturday.

We had a family reunion, my brothers, daughter nephew and nieces came to the house and I explain our decision and to answer any questions or doubt about our path forward.

 

We all shared a tear, we all told stories and we all agreed.  We talked about the past; we express our feelings and opened up Pandora’s Box of pains and sufferings.  It was a moment that I really wish mom were here to share.

 

I spend the night at the hospital near mom.  Wanted to make sure she was not alone with strangers.

 

 

Día 23 de Agosto, Jueves.

Esta última semana era una que mi mamá mereció mejor. Anterior en la semana mi mamá recibió una transfusión de sangre cerca de tres pintas, las enfermeras no podrían controlar su pérdida de líquido o controlar la infección junto con tener dificultad de respiración. Encima de esto, sus episodios epilépticos eran más frecuentes pues ella necesitó medicación para controlarla.

 

Después de volver de un viaje y de descubrir sobre la transfusión de sangre, sabíamos que era tiempo la déjala ir. Mis hermanos y yo lo hablamos y decidíamos que necesitamos informar a la familia los últimos desarrollos y nuestras intenciones convividos hoy.

 

Llamamos a doctor para déjale saber que hemos llegado a una decisión y necesitaríamos su autorización médica. Después de algunas llamadas telefónicas, la enfermera principal nos llamó en la sala de conferencias y nos explica el servicio del Hospice así sabríamos qué esperar. ¿Solamente una pregunta estaba en mi mente, cuanto tiempo sufriría ella?

 

La enfermera explicó que ella no sufriría y relevarían médicamente cualquier dolor que ella puede ser que tenga, pero que en su condición ella podría durar dondequiera a partir cinco a once días.

 

Ese mismo día mi hermana y yo fuimos a la funeraria e hicimos todos los arreglos, proporcionamos toda la información que el director necesitó. Mirábamos las flores, los ataúdes de alquiler (ella iba a ser incinerada) escogimos la cantidad de días para la velada y fuimos explicados los detalles de su velada. Se sentía como un plan de la boda, las flores, el libro de huésped, y los folletos para la información de huésped.

 

Día 24 de Agosto, Viernes.

Teníamos al día siguiente otra reunión con el representante del Hospice y ella aseguró otra vez como que ella recibiría el mejor del cuidado. Ella también indicó podríamos permanecer en su sitio 24 horas si deseamos.

 

Ese mismo día el tubo de alimentación fue quitado, mi hermana pidió que mi sobrina Lumari viniera hacerla las uñas. Al regresar de nuevo al hospital, habían terminado de lavar a mami, prepararon su cuarto y le proporcionaron todas sus medicaciones necesarias.

 

Era una sensación extraña, antes era de vigilarla para las muestras de la recuperación, ahora era de vigilarla para las muestras de la muerte.

 

Día 25 de Agosto, Sábado. Teníamos una reunión familiar, mis hermanos, mi sobrino y mis sobrinas vinieron a la casa y le explique nuestra decisión y para contestar cualquier pregunta o dudar sobre nuestra trayectoria.

 

Compartimos unas lágrimas, compartimos cuentos y convinimos todos. Hablamos del pasado; expresamos nuestras sensaciones y la caja de Pandora fue abierta de dolores y de sufrimientos. Era un momento que realmente deseaba que mami estuviera aquí para compartir.

 

Pase la noche en el hospital cerca de mami. Quise asegurarme de estar cerca de ella y que no estuviera sola con extranjeros.

July 30, 2007

I am in Chile and woke up early like at 2:30 AM.  As I was working I decided to check emails and I found someone wanted to be added to myspace, I denied the request because it was porn.

So, I started to look the profile that my niece Lumari put together for mom the title being  Don't Let Time Pass You By's Blurbs (http://www.myspace.com/lucyrosa ) and in the section "Who I'd like to meet" she wrote these words

"I look over my shoulder and I see her. I overhear a stranger and I hear her. I walk down the street, I feel her. I feel alone and I need her. I am waiting for you to return. I wait for you to open the front door. Never to see, Never to speak to, Never to laugh with, Never to touch, That's not something that I look forward to. The effort of the struggle to live That you have made You're a strong woman in every way. But if for some reason you decide to give up this time Just know that I'll stand beside you through every last breath."

Thank you Mari we love you and I know Mom misses you very much.

 

Estoy en Chile y desperté temprano a las 2:30 AM.  Mientras trabajaba decidí ver mis correos y encontré que alguien quiso agregarse a mi página de myspace, yo negué el pedido porque era pornográfico.

Comenze entonces a ver el perfil que mi sobrina arreglo para mami el título siendo Don't Let Time Pass You By's Blurbs

(http://www.myspace.com/lucyrosa )

Y en la sección "Who I'd like to meet" ella escribió estas palabras.  

Gracias Mari, te queremos y yo se que mami también te extraña mucho.

 

"Yo miro sobre mi hombro y yo la veo. Yo escucho a un desconocido y yo la escucho. Yo camino por la calle, Yo la siento. Yo me siento sola y yo la necesito. Yo te estoy esperando para que vuelvas. Yo espero para que abras la puerta, Nunca volver a ver, Nunca volver a hablarle, Nunca volver a reír con, Nunca volver a tocar. Eso es algo que no deseo esperar. El esfuerzo de la batalla para vivir que has hecho.  Tú eres una mujer fuerte en todo el sentido. Pero, si por alguna razón tu decide rendirte en esta ocasión, solo sepas que yo estaré a tu lado hasta el ultimo suspiro."

July 26, 2007

We sometime are caught into the web of everyday life.  Work, bills, family, friends, politics etc.  Sometimes we really forget family, and we put them in the back seat while believing that they will always be there.

We can be wrong and being wrong in the wrong time is hurtful, regretful and filled with guilt.  Months before the incident I wanted to get a new family portrait of my mother and her children and I wanted to surprise her with a video of all of us showing how proud we were to be her children.

I am adding a video here not in the same context but showing what a photogenic person she was and although she is in a  Vegetative State now, she was always a fighter of LIFE.

She is a Cancer survivor, she has had over twenty operations in over sixty years and she still managed to get up...go to work...attend the family...enjoy life...dance...cook...and be who she was.

I hope to some days have the courage that she had and I know that if she were standing where we are she would tell us..."don't worry, everything will be fine"

Abre Las Ventanas - Lucy Rosa

 

A veces nos encontramos en la tela de la vida diaria. Trabajo, las cuentas, familia, amigos, política etc. Realmente nos olvidamos de la familia, y nosotros los ponemos en el asiento de atrás pensando que siempre estarán allí.

 

Podemos estar incorrectos y al ser incorrecto en el tiempo incorrecto es cuando nos hace daño, arrepentido y llenado de culpabilidad. Los meses antes de que el incidente ocurriera deseé conseguir un retrato nuevo de la familia de mi mamá y de sus hijos y yo deseaba sorprenderla con un vídeo de todos nosotros que demostraba cómo de orgulloso estábamos de ser sus hijos.

 

Estoy agregando un vídeo aquí no en el mismo contexto pero queriendo demostrar qué persona tan fotogénica ella era y aunque ella ahora está en un estado vegetativo, ella era siempre un combatiente de la VIDA.

 

Ella es un sobreviviente del cáncer, ha tenido sobre veinte operaciones adentro de sus sesenta años y ella todavía buscó levantarse... ir a trabajar... atender a la familia... gozar la vida…bailar…cocinar…y ser quién ella era.

 

Espero en algún día tener el valor que ella tenía y sé que si ella estuviera parada donde estamos ella nos diría... “no te preocupes, todo estará bien"

July 2, 2007

On Friday I went to visit my mom and during my visit things seem the same with her. Later that night Elaine my sister got a call from the nursing home saying that she was going to be transferred to JFK Medical center because of a fever.

Well, today we got the call letting us know that she would be sent back to the nursing home as the fever has gone down.

I was with my sister today and she showed me a picture of mom when she was 15 yrs old. In the picture she is with a childhood friend Rosa.

I can see in the picture the sensuality in her that was so natural today during her life, so beautiful and so Lucy. Never afraid to show it in private with us or in public so people can see her, even if it looked ridiculous.

I am home now and I feel so lonely with out her, tears just come out on it's own and I am reminded of a time when I was 8 years old and on my first night at summer camp. All I can do is hide in the covers of my bed so that no one would hear me cry, as in between gasps I called out to my mom and that she would be there for me.

I miss her so much...at times when my sister is here and we talk about her and I see that she is starting to break apart, I try to control it for her letting her know that I am here.

I miss many moments when my mother would notice that something is bothering me as she sensed it no matter what I do to hide it. It was the same with my brother Noel and Elaine even while on the phone. A mothers 6th sense or intuition when something is just not right.

She had such a way of laughing through things but when it came to her family and her name, when a reputation was at steak, she was a fierce defender, kind of like a women’s style of the Godfather. If you went against family, you better have a very good reason.

I will sleep tonight again in her bed, missing her tremendously.

El viernes fui a visitar a mami y durante mi visita las cosas parecen igual con ella. Esa noche Elaine mi hermana recibió una llamada de la clínica donde mami esta para dejarle saber que ella fue transferida al centro médico de JFK debido a una fiebre.

Bien, hoy nos llaman de vuelta para dejarnos saber que la enviarían de nuevo a la clínica debido a que la fiebre hay bajado.

Hoy estaba com mi hermana y ella me mostró una foto de mami cuando ella tenía solo 15 años de edad. En la foto ella está con una amiga de su niñez, Rosa.

Yo puedo ver en la foto la sensualidad que en ella fue tan natural durante su vida, tan hermosa y tan Lucy. Nunca asustada de demostrarlo en privado, con nosotros o en público así para que la gente la puede ver, incluso aun si pareciera ridículo.

Estoy en mi casa ahora y me siento tan solo sin ella, las lagrimas vienen hacia fuera solas y me hacen recordar de una época en que tenia 8 años de edad y en mi primera noche en el campo de verano. Lo único que pude hacer es esconderme en las cubiertas de mi cama de modo que nadie escuchara mis llantos, como entre gritos de asombro llamaba a mi mamá y que ella estuviera allí para mí.

Me hace tanta falta... ocasionalmente cuando mi hermana está aquí y hablamos de ella y veo que ella está comenzando a llorar, yo intento a controlarla para que ella sepa que estoy aquí.

Me hace falta muchos momentos en que mi mama notaría que algo me está incomodando así lo pudo detectar no importando qué hago para ocultarlo. Era igual con mi hermano Noel y Elaine incluso hasta por medio del teléfono. Creo que es 6to sentido de las madres o intuición cuando algo no va bien.

Ella tenía tal manera de reírse de las cosas pero cuando tiene que ver sobre su familia y su nombre, cuando su reputación estaba en cuestión ella era un defensor feroz del estilo del padrino de mujeres. Si usted fuera en contra de la familia, usted debe de tener una razón muy buena.

Dormiré esta noche otra vez en su cama, ella haciéndome una falta enormemente.

June 30, 2007

Versión en español esta mas abajo

I wanted to post this yesterday but I had a hard time recovering from my time with my mother. I spent all my blogs time on sad news so I wanted to write about something a little more positive.

As I was driving to the hospital to see mom, I walked in the room and there she was sitting up as expecting me. I looked at her with amazement and joy as I asked for her blessing and she said to me "about time!, I need to get out of here, today is Friday you know and I need to get my dancing shoes on" I was so shocked that I almost forgot to call Noel and Elaine (my brothers.)

I said, do you know what has happened to you in the last year? And she looked at me with sad eyes as if asking for forgiveness "I know, I heard everything that all of you said, I saw the tears and the desperation in your voices wanting me to respond but I could not" she kept talking and I did not want her to stop. "But I couldn't talk, I couldn't move, I wanted to, I wanted to hug you all and let know you that it was ok but I couldn’t"

I just hugged her very hard, it was then that I realized that I forgot to take the keys out of the car and the reality hit me again as I walked into the hospital only to see her still in the same condition. Not talking, not responding as I asked for her blessing and again not hearing the response that many times in the past I took for granted.

I know it is wrong for me to write this in this manner, but these are my fantasies my dreams...that my mother would wake and come back to us to continue her life as if nothing ever happen.

Some would say that this is faith, others a dream even some wishful thinking...I call it, a sons wish for his mother, as any other son or daughter would ever want, to come home.

Bendicion mami...

Yo quise poner esto ayer, pero tuve un momento difícil recuperándome de mi tiempo con mi mama. Pasé todo mi tiempo en los blogs escribiendo noticias tristes, así que decidí escribir algo un poco más positivo.

Mientras que conducía al hospital para ver a mi mamá, caminé en el cuarto y allí ella estaba sentada como esperándome. La miraba con el asombro y la alegría mientras le pedí su bendición y ella me decía “¡ya era tiempo! necesito salir de aquí, hoy es viernes y tu sabes que necesito conseguir mis zapatos de baile” Yo estaba tan sacudido que casi me olvidé de llamar a Noel y Elaine (mis hermanos.)

Yo le dije, ¿tú sabes qué te ha sucedido en el último año?. Y ella me miraba con los ojos como si pidiera perdón “yo sé hijo, yo escuche todo que ustedes dijeron, yo vi las lagrimas y escuche la desesperación en sus voces queriendo que respondiera" ella siguió hablando y no quise que ella parara. "solamente no podría hablar, no podría moverme, deseé y deseé abrazarle a todo ustedes y dejarles saber que todo estaba bien pero no pude"

Yo la abrasé tan fuerte, y era entonces que realicé que me olvidé de tomar las llaves del auto y la realidad me golpeó otra vez mientras que caminé en el hospital solamente para verla en la misma condición. El de no hablar, no respondiendo como pedí su bendición y otra vez no oír la respuesta que muchas veces en el pasado tomé por concedido.

Sé que es incorrecto que escriba esto de este modo, pero éstas son mis fantasías, mis sueños... que mi mama despertaría y volviera a nosotros para continuar su vida como si esto nunca hubiera sucedido.

Algunos dirían que ésta es fe, otros un sueño o hasta un cierto optimismo ideal... yo lo llamo, un deseo de su hijo para su mama, como cualquier otro hijo o hija desearía siempre, que regrese a su casa.

Mami la Bendición...

May 26, 2007

There is nothing better than music and video to express how you feel.

No hay nada mejor que musica y video para expresar como te sientes.

El Ultimo Adios - The Last Good-bye

May 26, 2007

This was posted on my daughters blog of myspace on May 19, 2007 - I thought that it should also be here. I love you mama...

Well... it has finally come, the final moments I'm going to have with my grandma. I can't believe she's actually not available to me anymore. I can still hear her coming out of her room gettin ready to ask me to zip her dress so she can go out on a Friday night to bingo then to the Cuban American Club.. partying as much as I do...I miss her allot.

I have been pretty upset lately and it would have been nice to have her there to call to talk to her. I miss her food and her crazy stories that always made me laugh. I miss her shaken her ass to all those reggaeton songs... She always knew the latest gossip on the family... she was the center of my immediate family.

I can't believe how young she was and how could she go now... she still had ALOT of living to do... she has two great grandbabies that still need to meet her and see how she was... I would have LOVED for her to see my child when I had one... I know that she'll be looking down on me and protecting me but it's not the same... I can't even think about her and not tear up... how could these damn doctors do this to her... I bet they aren't even thinking about her... how could they forget?? how could anyone...

She was such a live person.. Her brain was like a book for numbers cuz she knew everyone's phone number, address, birthday, social security numbers, driver's license... she knew it all... I can remember hearing her call me a bitch.. and I used to laugh because she was so funny when she said it...

She was so strong why couldn’t she just fight and win this time... why she had to suffer in this way... I don’t want to let her go but it would be for selfish reasons and she wouldn't want to be where she is now...

I love you Mama Lucy... I will never ever forget you and I will never ever ever stop loving you... BENDISION... I love u... Please come visit me... I cant bear to know you're not here....

May 23, 2007

Versión en español esta mas abajo

Family & friends, I wish to make this blog entry short and to the point. Today we met with the Hospice representative to talk about the procedure for allowing my mother a dignified way of spending the rest of her life.

We entered into the office just wanting to understand what Hospice is offering and I personally felt that we were negotiating my mother’s life.

The representative explained that during my mothers stay at Hospice the goal is to make the transition as peaceful as possible. She (Karen) explained that while my mother has brain damage she would not know or understand what is happening.

Karen went on to say that, they would remove the feeding tube and that clinically my mother would not feel hunger. The body would just stop functioning and in the event that she feels pain, they would provide for that pain.

We then spoke that we (as would mom) would like to donate her organs so that someone else would have a chance at life. This was very hard to swallow without crying, without feeling that I will not have my mother with me ever again. That she will be gone and that hearing her enter the house will be a sound drilled in my memory but will never hear again.

To think that the last time she was home was the day she left for Mexico.

Hard, very hard to accept.

We went back to her room and in her ear, I said to her “please mom, come back to me or tell me what you want me to do?” I already knew the answer to that question.

My brothers and I began talking on when and how. We decided that for the benefit of the family and planning we would commence in August (what irony it would be a year in August since this nightmare began.) We are not really in a rush to let her go, and there is a sense of a miracle if one does exist.

We plan to view her in my home, the place where she called hers and then she would be cremated. She also wanted her ashes to be spread along the sea, and there is no better sea than that one of Puerto Rico off the cost of where she was born in Aguadilla.

I had to take some time alone in the bathroom and broke down, not hold back the tears and the anger and wonder if this freak accident could have been avoided. If perhaps, someone would have done a little better planning, or perhaps taken better steps to deal with this issue she might still be here today and this Blog would never have existed.

I meant to make it short, I am sorry…

Familia y amigos, deseo hacer esta entrada de Blog corto y al punto. Hoy nos encontramos con el representante de Hospice para hablar del procedimiento para darle a mi mama una manera dignificada de pasar el resto de su vida.

Entramos en la oficina solo deseando entender lo que está ofreciendo Hospice y me sentía personalmente que negociábamos la vida de mi mama.

El representante explicó que mientras mi mama permanezca en cuidado de Hospice que la meta es hacer la transición lo más pacífica como sea posible. Ella (Karen) explicó que como mi mama tiene daño de cerebro ella no sabría o entendería qué está sucediendo.

Karen siguió diciendo, quitarían el tubo de alimentación y que mi mama clínicamente no sentiría hambre. El cuerpo acabaría de funcionar y en caso que ella sienta dolor, ellos preverían ese dolor.

Entonces hablamos que (como mamá) quisiéramos donar sus órganos de modo que algún otro tuviera una oportunidad de vida. Esto era muy duro de tragar sin llorar, sin la sensación que no tendré mi mama conmigo otra vez jamás. Que no estará y que oyéndola entrar en la casa será un sonido perforado muy adentro en mi memoria pero nunca la oirá otra vez.

Pensar que la vez última que ella estaba en la casa era el día ella salia a México.

Duro, muy duro aceptar.

Fuimos de nuevo a su cuarto y en su oído, dije "por favor mami, vuelve a mí o dime lo que tu quisiera que hiciera?" Yo sabía ya la respuesta a esa pregunta.

Mis hermanos y yo comenzamos a hablar de cuando y cómo. Decidimos que para el beneficio de la familia y del planeamiento comenzaríamos en Agosto (que ironía casi una ano exacto desde que comenzó esta pesadilla.) No estamos en apuro para dejarla ir, y hay un sentido de un milagro, si existe uno.

Planeamos vigilarla en mi casa, el lugar en donde ella llamó suyo y luego la incinerarían. Ella también quisiera que sus cenizas fueran tirado a lo largo del mar, y no hay mar mejor que aquél de Puerto Rico de la costa de donde ella nació en Aguadilla.

Tuve que tomar un tiempo solo en el baño y llorar, no pude aguantar las lágrimas y el enojo y pensar si este accidente anormal podria haber sido evitado. Si quizás, alguien hubiera hecho un pequeño planeamiento mejor, o quizás hubiera tomado medidas mejores para ocuparse de esta situación que ella puede ser que todavía esté aquí hoy y este Blog nunca habría existido.

Quise hacer corto este Blog, perdóname...

May 22, 2007

Versión en español esta mas abajo

On May 17, 2007 my brother Noel, Elaine my sister and I had a meeting with the neurologist. In the meeting, a key question was asked; what is my mother’s condition now? We also wanted to know her chances of beating this, and what would be the doctor’s recommendation.

The meeting began very slowly as the doctor asked us what is her condition. I gather that he wanted us to acknowledge her current condition so that what ever he has to say will not be a shock to us.

We explain how we saw her, and confirmed that we are not sure if she is conscious or understand anything that we say to her. When she opens her eyes, we cannot confirm that she sees us, or that she can follow us in the room.

He then explained that when a person is in a vegetative state and when they have not come out of a comma in under seven days the probability of them coming out in a normal state is only 2%.

My mother has many things against her, her age, and the fact that one of the major reasons for her being in this state is because of the lack of oxygen to the brain when she went into cardiac arrest.

The doctor went on to say that, she will remain in this state always in need of care. He also expressed that he has a living will that states that if he is ever in this situation to take the machines away.

We tried to express to the doctor that we have seen other signs that might indicate that she might have more brain functions that we can really see. Examples were that whenever I messaged her hands and tried to straighten her fingers her face would express pain. Noel stated that sometimes he would see her staring at the ceiling; Elaine mentioned that sometimes when she spoke she would get some facial reaction.

However, in each case the doctor asked…Did she look at you in the eye and follow you? Did she blink when you asked her to? Did she move one hand then the other when you wanted her to? In each of the cases, we could not say yes, we could not confirm with even the slightest hint that she was hearing us or even recognized us.

The conversation went toward the direction of what is the next best step that would benefit her. How can we stop being selfish and started doing things that was right for her.

In all this time since August we tried to give her time, time to come back to heal and rest. In the time that we waited, she has been sickened with fever, phenuenomia. Infection. In some situation, we found that the nursing home was missing critical moments of keeping her clean.

The doctor then mentioned Hospice…I often wondered about the word and as I heard it, it now made sense to me what it really was. We then asked how would they help and the doctor mention that they would be very human about it and they do not speed the process or hinder the natural changes in the body.

In other words, what we were talking about was letting my mother go, when she got sick, not to cure her, if she went into cardiac arrest, they would not revive her.

It is a scary thought knowing that someone you love is going to die and you do not do anything about it, you just let it happen. Hard to think about it let alone not do anything about it.

Therefore, what we have decided to do is contact hospice, find out about the program and ask the difficult questions on how they can help us put into practice the most humane and difficult decision of our life.

Once we left, it was understood by all three of us that we were making the right decision and this is what she would have wanted.

At the end of the video that I made for mom, it reads “Dance as if no one is looking, Love without fear of being hurt, Sing as if no one is listening, Live as if heaven is on earth and speak from the heart to be heard”

This is how Lucy Rosa lived and I love her for that.

El 12 de mayo de 2007 mi hermano Noel, Elaine mi hermana y yo tenía una reunión con el neurólogo. En la reunión, una pregunta dominante fue hecha; ¿cuál ahora es condición de mi mama? También deseamos conocer la manera de batir esto, y cuál sería la recomendación del doctor.

La reunión comenzó muy lentamente mientras que el doctor nos preguntó cuál es su condición. Pienso que él quería que reconociéramos su condición actual de modo que lo que él tenía que decir no fuera un choque para nosotros.

Explicamos cómo la vimos, y confirmamos que no estamos seguros si ella esta consciente ni entiende cualquier cosa que decimos a ella. Cuando ella la abre los ojos, no podemos confirmar que ella nos ve, o que ella puede seguirnos por el cuarto.

Él entonces explicó que cuando una persona está en un estado vegetativo y cuando no han salido de una coma adentro de siete días la probabilidad de ellos que vuelvan hacia fuera en un estado normal son solamente 2%.

Mi mama tiene muchas cosas en su contra, su edad, y el hecho de que una de las razones principales de su estado actual está debido a la falta de oxígeno al cerebro cuando ella entró en fallo cardiaco.

El doctor sequío diciendo, ella permanecerá en este estado y siempre tendrá la necesidad del cuidado. Él también expresó que él tiene un testamentote vida en que dice que si él está en esta situación que eliminen las máquinas.

Intentamos expresar al doctor que hemos visto otras senas que pudieron indicar que ella tenga más funciones del cerebro. Los ejemplos eran que siempre que le damos masaje a las manos e intentado enderezarse los dedos su cara expresaría el dolor. Noel indicó que él la veía que a veces ella mira fijamente al techo; Elaine mencionó que a veces cuando ella le habla consigue ver en ella una reacción facial.

Sin embargo, en cada caso el doctor ha preguntado... ¿ella te mira en el ojo y te sigue? ¿Ella pestañea cuando se lo pide? ¿Ella mueve una mano luego la otra cuando usted lo desea? En cada uno de los casos, no podríamos decir sí, no podríamos confirmar con uniforme la indirecta más leve que ella nos escucha o que nos reconoce.

La conversación fue dirigida en la dirección de cuál es el mejor paso para el beneficio de ella. Cómo podamos de dejar de ser egoístas y comenzados a hacer cosas que sea correcto para ella.

En todo este tiempo desde agosto intentamos darle el tiempo, tiempo de que pueda volverse a curar y para descansar. En el tiempo que esperamos, ella se ha puesto enfermo con fiebre, phenuenomia, infección. En una cierta situación, encontramos que la clínica donde estaba no respondía en momentos críticos de mantenerla limpia.

El doctor entonces mencionó Hospice...yo en ocasiones me preguntaba sobre la palabra y como la oí, ahora tuve sentido cuál realmente era su significado. Entonces preguntamos cómo es que ellos nos pueden ayudar y el doctor mencionó que serían muy humanos con ella y no apresuran el proceso u retendrían los cambios naturales en el cuerpo.

Es decir qué hablábamos de dejar ir a mi mama, que cuando ella se enferme, no curarla, si ella entrara el fallo cardiaco, ellos no la restablecerían. Es un pensamiento asustadizo que conoces a alguien a quien ama va a morir y no haces nada sobre la situación, solo apenas lo dejas suceder.

Es un pensar asustoso sabiendo que alguien a quien amas va a morir y no haces nada sobre el acontecimiento. Por lo tanto, hemos decidido hacer contacto con Hospice, descubrir un poco sobre el programa y hacer las preguntas difíciles sobre cómo pueden ayudarnos a poner en práctica la decisión más humana y más difícil de nuestra vida.

Una vez que nos fuimos, era entendida por los tres de nosotros que tomábamos la decisión correcta y esto es lo que ella habría deseado.

En el final del vídeo que hice para mi mamá, lee "baila como si nadie esté mirando, ama sin miedo de estar lastimado, canta como si nadie te esté escuchando, vive como si el cielo esta en la tierra y habla del corazón para ser escuchado”

Así es cómo vivió Lucy Rosa y la amo por eso.

April 15, 2007

Versión en español esta mas abajo

I have had many sad days and today was one that I was not hoping for. After speaking with my sister she was finally able to speak with the neurologious about my mothers condition, but more so about the results of her EEG  http://www.peakmind.co.uk/eeg.htm

The doctor explained that although there are some improvements in the results as compared to the previous exam he feels that it is not uncommon. The reason being is that the initial exam was done soon after she went into comma. Therefore, you would expect little if any brain activity and thus since it has been six month you would expect some improvements.

He explained further that her condition is that she cannot follow you with her eyes and therefore no indication of consciousness and or understanding. She is not in a stage that she demonstrates that she is using her mind, therefore since she continues to be in a vegetative state he does not see where she will EVER talk in the way she talked, she will NEVER remember the things that were important to her. She will NEVER have the independence that she was once so proud of.

He has also provided us with alternatives, not the living kind...He expressed that we get together and determine what is the best approached for her future care.

Needless to say, we will be having a meeting again with the doctor on May 17^th along with my brothers to discuss with the doctor what should be the next step.

I pray that it will be the best one for her…

Mothers day is coming and it will be difficult not to see face react when she receives her gift and we take her to dinner wherever she may have wanted to go…she has no choice now and it will be hard to not day dream differently.

He tenido muchos días tristes y hoy es uno en el cual no esperaba. Después de hablar con mi hermana ella podía finalmente hablar con el neurólogo sobre la condición de mami, pero más así sobre los resultados de su EEG http://www.peakmind.co.uk/eeg.htm

El doctor explicó que aunque hay algunas mejoras en los resultados con respecto al examen anterior él se siente que no es infrecuente. La razón es que el examen inicial fue hecho pronto después de que ella entrara en coma. Por lo tanto, contaba con poco si alguna actividad del cerebro y puesto que ha sido seis meses conta con algunas mejoras.

Él explicó más allá que su condición es que ella no puede seguirle con los ojos y por lo tanto ninguna indicación del sentido y o de entender. Ella no está en una etapa que ella demuestre que ella está utilizando su mente, por lo tanto puesto que ella continúa estando en un estado vegetativo que él no ve donde ella hablará NUNCA de la manera ella habló, ella NUNCA recordará las cosas que eran importantes para ella. Ella NUNCA tendrá la independencia que ella era una vez era tan orgullosa de tener.

Él también ha provisto a nosotros alternativas, no de la clase de vida...él expresó que nos reunimos y nos determinamos cuál es la más mejor posible solución para su cuidado en el futuro.

Innecesario decir, tendremos una reunión otra vez con el doctor de mayo el 17 junto con mis hermanos a discutir con el doctor qué debe ser el paso siguiente. Ruego que sea el mejor para ella...

El día de las madres está por llegar y será difícil no ver la cara de ella reaccionar cuando recibe su regalo y nosotros la llevamos a la cena dondequiera que ella hubiera querido ir... ella ahora no tiene ninguna opción y será duro al no soñar del día diferentemente.

March 8, 2007

Versión en Español mas abajo

I know that lately much has not been written about my Mom's condition. I hate to say that I have been very busy with work and with everything that has been happening with her. You see when she was well I had plenty of time to do other things, now that she is not at home with me I find myself doing more around the house, cooking, cleaning, getting my mail (Although Elaine helps with that) groceries etc.

I know is sounds like an excuse but it is not. You see we often hear that people in our lives do not contribute to our daily living but they really do and in so many ways. Especially parents, in the moment we do not see it, we tend to take them for granted, and in some cases, we expect more from them. I always knew how much she helped me and often asked her not to work so hard but she would anyways.

We often conversed on my bothers, my nephews, nieces and she often expressed pride and concern. She, in many ways stated that if she ever leaves this life she would forever be proud of her children. She always expressed how close we (as brother) are and how much we supported each other in many occasions, and most of all how we all come together for her as is in this occasion.

In the last few months, Mom has been sent off to another hospital to take care of two infections, one cause by her feeding tube, another because of a saliva infection. Now she has an issue with her breathing as she is in another hospital, JFK Medical Center to cure pneumonia.

We had to move her from the nursing home that she was in and put her in another where we felt that the care she would receive would be better. We noticed in the new place that the doctors would ask the right questions and the answers to our question were, in content, satisfactory.

On a sad note, not directly related to mom, she had a dancing partner that on Fridays & Saturday would go to the Cuban club and dance. Efrain was one of the persons when he heard the news of moms condition was very sadden and since Aug has not been the same. Last week he was found in his apartment lying dead on the floor. The explanation was that he had a condition whereas his intestine failed and died painfully. An even sadder note, he was alone in the apartment, no family members or friends.

In the walls of his apartment were pictures of my mother. We are truly sad that he passed away as no one knew of his condition and thus was not able to help him to receive the proper care. He was a good friend to mom and was a very respectful person that arrived in our lives late in his time. We feel sad for his daughter and hope that he may have had the life that mom would have wanted for him as he wanted for mom.

Sé que no se ha escrito mucho últimamente sobre la condición de Mami. Odio decir que he estado muy ocupado con mi trabajo y con todo que ha estado sucediendo con ella. Sabes que cuando ella estaba bien tenía un montón de tiempo para hacer otras cosas, ahora que ella no esta aquí conmigo me encuentro con muchos que haceres especialmente alrededor de la casa, cocinando, limpiando, consiguiendo mis correo (aunque Elaine me ayuda con esto) y hasta haciendo las compras de comida.

Sé que esto se lee como una excusa pero no lo es. Sabes a menudo oímos las palabras que la gente en nuestras vidas no contribuye a nuestro diario vivir pero en verdad ella realmente hacia muchas cosas y de tantas maneras me ayudaba al igual que a mis hermanos. Este es muy verdadero especialmente hacia nuestros padres, en el momento no lo vemos, tendemos a no apreciarlos lo suficiente, y en algunos casos, exigimos más de ellos. Yo sabía siempre cuánto ella me ayudó y a menudo le decía que no trabaje tan fuerte pero de todos modos igual lo hacia.

Conversamos a menudo sobre mis sobrinos, las sobrinas y ella expresaba a menudo su orgullo y su preocupación. Ella, de muchas maneras indicó que si ella dejara de esta vida ella sería por siempre orgullosa de sus hijos. Ella siempre expresaba cómo de cerca somos y cuánto nos apoyamos en muchas ocasiones, y sobretodo cómo todos venimos juntos para ella como esta en esta ocasión.

En estos últimos meses, han enviado la Mami a varios otros hospitales para el cuidado de dos infecciones. Una a causa por su tubo de alimentación, otro debido a una infección de la saliva. Ahora ella tiene un tema con su respiración y ella está en otro hospital, centro médico de JFK para solucionar una pulmonía.

Tuvimos que moverla desde la clínica que ella estaba y ubicarla en otra donde nos sentíamos que el cuidado que ella recibiría sería mejor. Notamos en el nuevo lugar que los doctores hacían las preguntas adecuadas y las respuestas a nuestras preguntas estaban, en contenido, satisfactorio.

En una nota triste, relacionada no directamente con mami, ella tenía un amigo con quien bailaba todos los viernes y sábados al club Cubano. Efraín era uno de las personas cuando él oyó de las noticias de la condición de mami el se entristeció muy fuerte y desde Agosto no ha estado igual. La semana pasada lo encontraron en su apartamento tirado en el piso muerto. La explicación era que él tenía una condición en el intestino lo cual falló y murió dolorosamente. Una nota incluso y más triste, él estaba solo en el apartamento, ningunos de los miembros de su familia o amigos estaba presente para ayudarlo.

En las paredes de su apartamento estaban los cuadros de mami. Estamos verdaderamente tristes que murió ya que nadie sabía de su condición y no podíamos ayudarle a recibir el cuidado apropiado. Él era un buen amigo de mami y era una persona muy respetuosa que llegó en nuestras vidas y siendo asi llego tarde. Nos sentimos triste por su hija y esperamos que él pudiera haber tenido la vida que mami habría deseado para él tal como él deseó para mami.

December 9, 2006

Versión en Español mas abajo

Last night I had a very disappointing dream…I was home and my sister along with my mother were there. I went into the laundry room to get something and I was tangled in some rope near the close dryer. At that moment I said, only mom would do this, when it hit me, Mom was here.

I ran into the living room to see her and grab her face within my hands and said “Mom, when did you get out of the hospital?” She said, “A few days ago”.

I said to myself, but of course, I have been in Brazil for almost three weeks. I fell to my knees screaming how happy I was. I looked at her face and noticed how young she looked, then I got up looked around and grabbed her arm and said “I hope this is not a dream” She then put her finger to her lips and said “shhhhh”

Then the room got very fuzzy and I woke up angry and frustrated as I banged the bed. I was still in Brazil in a hotel and I knew very well that she would also still be in a hospital bed far from all of us.

God I miss her

Ayer por la noche tenía un sueño muy decepcionante... estaba en la casa y mi hermana junto con mi madre estaba allí. Entré el cuarto del lavadero para conseguir algo y me enrede en una cierta cuerda cerca del secador. En ese momento yo pensé, solamente mami haría esto, cuando me golpeó, Mami estaba aquí.

Fui rápidamente a la sala para verla y tome su cara dentro de mis manos y dije “Mami, cuando saliste del hospital? " Ella dijo, hace "algunos días".

Yo me dije, pero por supuesto, he estado en el Brasil por casi tres semanas. Me caí a mis rodillas gritando cómo feliz estaba. Miraba a su cara y noté que joven ella se veía, entonces yo me levanté mirado alrededor y tome su brazo y dije "espero que esto no es un sueño" ella puso su dedo a sus labios y que dijo "shhhhh"

Entonces el cuarto se puso muy borroso y desperté enojado y frustrado mientras que golpeé la cama. Aun todavía estaba en Brasil en un hotel y sabía muy bien que ella también estaría en una cama del hospital muy lejos todos nosotros.

Dios cuanto la extraño

November 25, 2006

Version en espanol mas abajo

Today, after almost two weeks without seeing mom, I finally get a chance to see for myself how she is doing. I was unable to see her mainly because of travels for work outside of the US and once I returned from Chile, I returned with a fever that I passed on to my sister, which caused her not being able to see mom either.

Once you have a fever, it is easily passed on to mom because her immune system is weak and she would not be able to fight the fever. Therefore, we choose not to go and see her.

My aunt Carmen was there today and she immediately informed me that mom was not being kept clean by the hospital staff. I saw that her diaper bag desperately needed to be changed, so I immediately went to the nurse and got them to clean her up.

Monday I will be in the director’s office to inform them of the incident to make sure that this does not happened again.

Mom is still in the vegetative state, it seems that she is unable to hear or see us, but I feel different about it and with hope and faith. Once I am in the room with her, I begin to speak to her as if she were awake.

In the hospital that she is in, she was moved to a new room and I noticed that there was a new CD player. I asked my aunt where is the blue one and she told me that once they moved her, it disappeared, another issue to bring up to the director.

As I get home, I try to keep the faith, difficult, yes. But I can't let her go, I keep remembering what happened to her that caused her to be in this condition and I would like to put blame on someone, anyone but I can't. I cannot find any reason other than a freak accident.

We will continue to pray and continue with faith that she can hear us and somehow see us.

We miss you mom

Hoy, después de casi dos semanas sin ver a mami, finalmente puedo llegar a verla con mis propios ojos y así ver cómo ella está. No podía verla principalmente debido a los recorridos para el trabajo fuera de los EE.UU. y una vez que volviera de Chile, volví con una fiebre que se la pasé a mi hermana, que fue lo que causó no poder ver a mami.

Una vez que tenga una fiebre, es fácilmente pasado a mami porque su sistema inmune es débil y ella no podría luchar la fiebre. Por lo tanto, elegimos no ir verla.

Mi tía carmen estaba allí hoy y ella me informó inmediatamente que el personal del hospital no mantenía a mami limpia. Vi que su bolso del pañal necesitó desesperadamente ser cambiado, así que fui inmediatamente a la enfermera y los conseguí limpiarla.

El lunes yo estaré en la oficina del director para informarles del incidente para asegurar de que esto no vuelva a suceder otra vez.

Mami todavía está en el estado de vegetación, ella parece que no puede oírnos o vernos, pero yo me siento diferente sobre esto con esperanza y fe. Una vez que esté en el cuarto con ella, comienzo a hablarle como si ella estuviera despierta.

En el hospital que ella está, la movieron a un nuevo cuarto y noté que había un nuevo tocador de CD. Pregunté a mi tía donde está el tocador azul y ella me dijo que cuando movieran a mami, él desapareció, otro tema para traer hasta el director.

Al llegar a mi casa, intento mantener la fe, difícil, sí. Pero no puedo dejarla ir, sigo con el recuerdo de lo qué sucedió que lo que causo a ella estar en esta condición y quisiera poner culpa a alguien, cualquier persona pero no puedo. No puedo encontrar ninguna razón con excepción de un accidente anormal.

Continuaremos rogando y continuando con la fe que ella puede oírnos y vernos de alguna manera.

Nos haces falta Mami

October 19, 2006

Spanish Version at the bottom - Versión en Español al final

Today I went to see mom, the nursing home moved her to another room mostly because the room she was in was being cleaned. It was a strange feeling when I went into her room and found her bed empty; I immediately looked in the bathroom. The feeling was "she's up", short lived.

When I found her, her eye were open and has a twitch on her right side. It is like an epileptic effect, normal for PVS.

I started talking with her telling her how things are at the house, how I am having to cook, and that I have to keep the house clean. (Her favorite pastimes)

I grabbed her right hand and began to massage it; I need to keep her fingers from stiffing and then her hand moved. It felt like a reaction. I asked her to move it again but then I felt a rhythm.

I guess the whole issue is that there are signs of recovery, even slight recovery.

Fui hoy a ver a mami, y en la clínica donde esta, la movieron a otro cuarto sobre todo porque el cuarto donde estaba lo estaban limpiando. Era una sensación extraña cuando entré y encontré su cama vacía; Mire inmediatamente en el cuarto de baño. La sensación era "ella se levanto", era de breve duración el sentido.

Cuando la encontré, los ojos de ella estaban abiertos y ella tiene una contracción nerviosa en su lado izquierdo. Es como un efecto epiléptico, normal para persona de PVS.

Comencé a hablarle le decía cómo las cosas están en la casa, cómo estoy teniendo que cocinar, y de mantener la casa limpia. (Sus pasatiempos preferidos)

Comencé a darle masajes a su mano derecha; Necesito asegurar guardar sus dedos no se tiezen y luego su mano empezó a moverse. Se sentía como una reacción. Le pregunté a ella que moviera otra vez la mano pero entonces sentía un ritmo. Pienso que hay muestras de recuperación, aunque recuperación leve.

October 11, 2006

Versión en Español al final

This entry was on my daughter’s myspace and I wanted to post it here so that everyone can read on my mother’s condition.

"Yesterday was my grandma's birthday... she turned 63.... some of my family including me went to the hospital to sing happy birthday and I filmed it... she's doing better... she's awake but not really there... she opens her eyes and moves her head and yesterday for the first time... she moved one of her legs... I am so very proud of her... I know she's gonna come back to us... PRAY FOR HER... please... thx everyone"

Esta entrada estaba en el myspace de mi hija y deseaba fijarlo aquí de modo que cada uno pueda leer sobre la condición de mi mama. 

"estaba ayer el cumpleaños de mi abuela... ella cumplió 63... Algunos de mi familia incluyendo a mí fuimos al hospital a cantar feliz cumpleaños y lo filmé... ella se está mejorando... ella esta despierta pero no realmente ahí... ella abre los ojos y mueve su cabeza y ayer ella movió por primera vez una de sus piernas... estoy tan muy orgulloso de ella... Sé que ella va a regresar a nosotros... RUEGUE PARA ELLA... por favor... y gracias a cada uno de ustedes"

October 10, 2006

Today is my mother’s birthday. Yesterday I went to see my mother since I was traveling to Uruguay.

She was in good health, but asleep. I talked to her telling her that I wished her many more birthdays but I wanted the next one with her awake.

I also told her that I had to leave to Uruguay and will not be back until Saturday. I was hoping for a reaction...I wiped a tear from her eyes but I was not sure if it was because natural causes or because I would not be there for her birthday.

As I was driving toward the airport my uncle Herman called me asking if I was in Florida, I informed him that I was but was traveling to Uruguay. He told me that he along with uncles and aunt would be at the hospital on her birthday to sing to her.

I thought that was a great idea. I called my daughter Malia and told her to get my video camera to record this.  My uncle called me today while they were at the hospital and sang Happy Birthday while I listened over the phone. At the time, I was having dinner with a client and could not hold back the tear...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM, we miss you dearly...and NEED you back. I really want to thank you all for all the support that you have shown.

Thank you and I love you all

October 1, 2006

On Friday, my sister Elaine went by along with my Aunt and moms hairstylist and she was given a hair wash along with a haircut.  She really needed it since her hair was getting knots.

I began to message her hands because the tendons on her fingers are getting stiff from no activity.  Every time I straighten her fingers, her body would react from the pain.  I purposely (but with care) straighten her fingers more in hopes that the reaction that I wanted was for her to shout out that it hurt.  However, nothing, only silence.

I changed the channel to a Spanish station in hopes that subconsciously it would help heal her brain if she has more of what she recognized.  Since later in the night Cantando por un sueno was going to come on, as it was one of her favorite programs.

After I got home, I went into her room and I noticed on her dresser a letter written by her.  I looked down and notice a date of March of 2005.  I am still absorbing the letter.